Bad Drivers and How I Deal With Them

I always thought I was a descent driver. I had a few nicks early in my career, but nothing terrible to speak of.

When I visited California in Dec. '05, it was a new world. No cops and too many rich people... horrible driving conditions. Stop lights and turning signals did not exist. The speed limit seemed like a myth.

I came home, finding it easier to avoid bad things after driving in California. To be honest, West Virginia is a little better than CA. But...

...Super Bowl time last year I went to Southridge Shopping Center (the unfortunate social center of Charleston). I got smashed in the rear by one of the many chaotic fools on the road.

Fortunately, I was in the middle of a defensive driving course required for my job. I thought initially thought it was bullshit (like most of what the government thinks is good). But, I learned a few things which have saved my ass more than twice.

1. Slow the fuck down. There's no real reason to speed. I formerly was an extremely impatient fellow. Then I started to calm down and use the cruise control. The more I observed my fellow motorists, the more idiotic the roadways became.

Most people speed, and get pissed when they're stuck behind you when you don't speed. I drive at the speed limit, and folks still zip by me in absolute rage. There is no line, and people are in too much of a hurry. The NASCAR mentality may have something to do with this, but I believe most drivers are just impatient pricks.

2. Keep a good following distance. I do not tailgate. I will not tailgate. Fuckface who tailgated ran into my ass. If it means slowing down, do it. I've heard more than once that "I'm a good driver" while riding someone's ass.

I actually called the cops on a truck driver who flashed his lights at me and attempted to ram me because I decided to go the speed limit. Long story short, that motherfucker doesn't work there anymore. There is no reason to ride someone's ass.

3. Stay off the phone. That's pretty simple. If you must use the phone, at least put it on speaker. I have a passenger handle that shit. It also saved my neck.


...just thought I'd like to pass that along.

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Funny story.

Usually yelling swear words at drivers gets them to back off or at least pass you. A couple weeks ago, a woman on the cell phone in a nicely pressed van didn't seem to respond to "fuck." So I pulled out something original. I usually leave folks alone, but she was being an asshole.

I rolled out the window, and yelled: "YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T LOVE YOU!" That seemed to work as she slowed down and hung up her little Iphone. In fact, it worked a lot better than "fuck." Shouting things which folks can't respond to usually gets best results.

"Stop touching yourself" is next.

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So please... for the sake of all descent mamma-jamma's, try to drive a little better. Wherever you're going and whatever you're going to will still be there, I swear.

Save the close contact for the bedroom.



Cheers,

LB