Bad Drivers and How I Deal With Them

I always thought I was a descent driver. I had a few nicks early in my career, but nothing terrible to speak of.

When I visited California in Dec. '05, it was a new world. No cops and too many rich people... horrible driving conditions. Stop lights and turning signals did not exist. The speed limit seemed like a myth.

I came home, finding it easier to avoid bad things after driving in California. To be honest, West Virginia is a little better than CA. But...

...Super Bowl time last year I went to Southridge Shopping Center (the unfortunate social center of Charleston). I got smashed in the rear by one of the many chaotic fools on the road.

Fortunately, I was in the middle of a defensive driving course required for my job. I thought initially thought it was bullshit (like most of what the government thinks is good). But, I learned a few things which have saved my ass more than twice.

1. Slow the fuck down. There's no real reason to speed. I formerly was an extremely impatient fellow. Then I started to calm down and use the cruise control. The more I observed my fellow motorists, the more idiotic the roadways became.

Most people speed, and get pissed when they're stuck behind you when you don't speed. I drive at the speed limit, and folks still zip by me in absolute rage. There is no line, and people are in too much of a hurry. The NASCAR mentality may have something to do with this, but I believe most drivers are just impatient pricks.

2. Keep a good following distance. I do not tailgate. I will not tailgate. Fuckface who tailgated ran into my ass. If it means slowing down, do it. I've heard more than once that "I'm a good driver" while riding someone's ass.

I actually called the cops on a truck driver who flashed his lights at me and attempted to ram me because I decided to go the speed limit. Long story short, that motherfucker doesn't work there anymore. There is no reason to ride someone's ass.

3. Stay off the phone. That's pretty simple. If you must use the phone, at least put it on speaker. I have a passenger handle that shit. It also saved my neck.


...just thought I'd like to pass that along.

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Funny story.

Usually yelling swear words at drivers gets them to back off or at least pass you. A couple weeks ago, a woman on the cell phone in a nicely pressed van didn't seem to respond to "fuck." So I pulled out something original. I usually leave folks alone, but she was being an asshole.

I rolled out the window, and yelled: "YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T LOVE YOU!" That seemed to work as she slowed down and hung up her little Iphone. In fact, it worked a lot better than "fuck." Shouting things which folks can't respond to usually gets best results.

"Stop touching yourself" is next.

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So please... for the sake of all descent mamma-jamma's, try to drive a little better. Wherever you're going and whatever you're going to will still be there, I swear.

Save the close contact for the bedroom.



Cheers,

LB

Blogging New Moon: A Review

The following are thoughts from the movie “New Moon.” I’ve never reviewed in this style yet, so it’ll be entertaining. I read the book before the movie, and it was absolutely dreadful. Useful as toilet paper, but not much else. Do keep in mind that these books and films aren’t from the horror genre.

Spoilers ahead.
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“Let’s get it over with,” said Kristen after a meal from Bob Evans.

We went to see Twilight last year with the idea that it would be the worst movie ever. I’m expecting New Moon to blow.

I ask the chick who got our tickets if the actors look as stoned as they are in real life. She holds back a huge ferocious laugh.
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Sherlock Holmes! I wonder if anyone reads Conan Doyle anymore.

I see at least 26 iphones. Oi. Yuppies anonymous.

Ha! Alec Baldwin said “omg” in a trailer. Talk about reading the crowd.
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Wow, Bella actually doesn’t look stoned.

Robert Pattison in slow-mo is ridiculous. I’m officially pissed off. Some girl in the front row wet herself apparently.

Edward looks like he has mudbutt. Maybe that’s why he’s so sad. Can sparklepires have mudbutt?

The music sucks.

Helllloooooo Ashley Greene.

I like the dude who plays Bella’s dad (Bill something). He seems to humanize things.

Wow, they actually gave the guy who played Emmitt Cullen a line.

Peter Facinelli needs more to do with his character.

Edward is leaving Bella. Did that dude sitting behind me start crying?

Bella looks stoned again. Maybe the intermittent drug use is for dramatic effect.

Kristen Stewart is doing a good job. Better than the first.

My wife has really nice hands. Oh yeah, a movie’s playing.

Laurent is not a bad part to play. Too bad he’s going to be dog food.

Awww, how cute! The werewolves make me want to adopt a puppy.

Bad CGI withstanding, the movement of the wolves is interesting.

They shaved Jacob Black’s hair. I guess the werewolves have some sort of de-fro’ ing ritual.

Werewolves don’t need shirts. They’re weatherproof.

Bella’s happy again now that she got her ass out of the house. Again, she looks less stoned.

Now she’s a danger junkie and addicted to speed (pun intended).

This music really does suck. They’ve lost the whiny guitar from the first movie that sounds like a cat taking a dump, but this is worse.

This movie is much better than the book (so was the first one).

Bella, doing a failed Superman impression, jumps into the water.

Ashley Greene’s back. Hallelujah.

Edward smashed his iphone. Good for him. The world needs less of them.

Something about Edward listening to country music and he wants to hang himself for it. I don’t blame him. Too much Conway Twitty can do that to a person.

Sparklepires are required by screenwriting law to drive fast.

Nice shot of the Italian festival.

Edward is shirtless again. Did that dude behind me gasp? As long as he keeps his hands to himself, we’re good.

I can already smell the perverts ready for Dakota Fanning. I guess Hugh Hefner will be buzzing her before long.

Hey look, it’s Colossus…

…and they still haven’t given him a line. I guess the X-Men people spread the word.

Michael Sheen looks like he’s having fun.

The Volturi’s eyes actually look disturbing. Good job.
Colossus smash!

Does the dude behind me realize this isn’t real?

Edward’s back, and he’s ready for pooty.

Another line for Emmitt Cullen. Up yours, Matrix!

Edward’s mad at his family. Somebody needs to give him a hug.

So if Bella gets hitched to Edward, will that at least make him cheer up?
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Not a bad movie. The filmmakers did a hell of a job considering the material. While Stephanie Meyer should be arrested for crimes against literature, the movies so far aren’t that bad. They’re worth watching.

Most of the actors did a nice job. Edward’s lines are weak, but Pattison did what he could. Kristen Stewart has improved greatly. The slow motion has got to go. Someone needs to get a grip on that. The music was flat out horrible and inappropriate. The supporting cast seems to steal the spotlight at times, and that really isn’t a bad thing. The movie is nice to look at.

I’m really surprised the filmmakers made this book watchable. Bonus point to Edward for smashing an iphone.

5/10.